Denial Makes Problems Worse
Posted: Wednesday, February 22, 2006
by Marlene Chism
ICARE Presentations
What challenges are going on in your life that you don’t want to face? Are you ignoring the backstabbing and drama in your office? Do you walk away from conflict instead of facing it? Are you afraid to look at your sales report for the last quarter?
As an overview, it's important to know that there are three positions on the Drama Triangle: Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim. The three positions, or roles indicate behavioral and emotional responses to interpersonal and intrapersonal conflict. For example the Victim complains and makes excuses, the Rescuer tries to fix it, and the Persecutor tells you whose fault it is. Recall from the last article, that if you are experiencing upsets, stress or otherwise painful interactions then you are participating on the Drama Triangle as well. Finally, if you don’t see the role that you are playing that contributes to the drama then you are in denial, the fourth position located inside the triangle. (This is my addition to Dr. Karpman’s original model.)
So what does this have to do with business? Lots. Here’s how it shows up in the business world. An employee finally gets the courage to approach a supervisor to tell the supervisor that she doesn’t like his yelling and ranting. The supervisor says, “I’m not yelling. It’s only your perception." Or, the accountant notices discrepancies in the bookkeeping but knows that adjusting it means that no one gets the bonus. Or as a manager you know that one employee has been harassing the other employees, yet the one you have to discipline is the one who brings in all the sales, so you make exceptions. Avoiding the issue is a way to avoid taking responsibility to change the problem.
What you don’t know or acknowledge about yourself or your business will hurt you, yet coming out of denial is also very painful. Just think back to a time when someone told you something about yourself (or your business) that you didn’t know or didn’t like, for example, you interrupt, you are not a good listener, or your customer service stinks.
There are many theories about the dynamics of denial regarding relationships and personal growth. David Hawkins, Ph.D. in his book Power Versus Force, says that denial comes from pride. Hawkins says that most people are more attached to being right about their situation, than they are committed to facing the truth of their situation. (You’ve probably heard the Proverb “Pride goeth before a fall and a haughty spirit before destruction.")
My theory is that coming out of denial is painful because it is like awakening after a surgery. As long as you are under the anesthetic, the surgeon can cut through your skin and sew you back up and you don’t feel a thing. But, you can’t stay asleep forever. Eventually you have to come out of the anesthetic (denial) and face the pain.
Recently I had the privilege of interviewing Dr. Karpman to get his insights to my theory. Dr. Karpman added that when a person comes out of surgery and off of the anesthesia and experiences pain, it takes lots of support to help that person while he heals. The same is true when someone is ready to step out of denial and face the facts. Staying under the anesthetic of denial is a way to avoid the inevitable pain.
Although coming out of denial is painful, there’s a price to pay for ignoring the facts, or from not being willing to investigate. Whether in your business or in your personal life, denial serves as a way to hide from the facts so that you can avoid responsibility.
Marlene Chism MA is an expert in relationship development and she helps companies stop the drama so that teamwork and productivity can soar. Marlene is the founder of Attitude Builders Tool Box, a monthly subscription for managers and leaders. To get a free sample of the Attitude Builders Tool Box, go to www.attitudebuilders.com
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